Excitement and nervousness start to feel the same...

So, there's a lot going on in my life right now. Just like I always do when I'm flustered, I make mental promises to myself that things will settle down in the near future. I allow myself to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Well, at this point in my life, I have come to the realization that it just isn't realistic for me to make promises to myself like that. My personality and dreams really don't allow me to settle down and "chill." I guess I'll just keep looking forward to retirement. :) Anyway, I am currently up to my chin in wedding planning, and I'm freaking out a little bit about starting my first year as a teacher in about a month. 

So, in the midst of cake tasting, shoe-shopping, jewelry making, invite addressing, registering, and dress drama, I find myself worrying about the technicalities of what I am about to start at the end of August: TEACHING. Oh, I think it's important for me to also mention that I am working at a CLC for two hours every morning with a bunch of young, hyper boys. Why is it important for me to mention this? Well, because these boys are my constant reminder of the fact that I NEED to find space in my brain to devote thought and reflection to my teaching philosophies. I think I just need to break down and allow myself to create hypothetical situations in my mind, and then ponder the responses I would have to those "issues." 

In the CLC today, I had to break up two fights (both between brothers who can't figure out that sitting right next to each other and ribbing each other is an ineffective way to demonstrate mature behavior), and I had to get out my "mean" face to make any sort of progress. Now, I'm not saying these incidents caused me tremendous anxiety, but it did cause me to take a mental step back. I had to hang around the classroom for a few minutes after my shift was over, because I just needed to think for a little bit. After just soaking in the silence (it felt sooo good after spending two long hours in craziness), I decided to go downstairs to sit with the boys at lunch. As soon as I walked down the stairs, I was greeted with plenty of smiles and waves, but the one face I really needed a smile from was intentionally (and purposefully) blank. I waved back to the smiling boys, and proceeded to perch myself on a radiator about eight feet away from my sassy friend. I sat there for a few minutes (I'll be honest, I was hoping he would acknowledge me, but I wasn't expecting him to) before I said anything. As I sat there, I felt myself feeling awkward. I felt slightly uncomfortable. I didn't know exactly what to say, and I didn't even try to predict what he would say back. So, I simply said, "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that when we were in the classroom and you were ignoring me and throwing your papers on the floor, I felt kind of sad. I hope I didn't say or do anything to hurt your feelings, so if I did, I would really like you to let me know so that I don't do it again." He didn't look at me at all, and I felt sort of angry. I just wanted to grab his shoulders and force him to look at me. I wanted him to explain to me why he was/is so angry (and he's angry A LOT). Before I could let myself get any more upset, an older boy who was sitting within earshot, but who must have been straining his ears to hear my words, said, "Don't waste your time talking to him like that. He's disrespectful and he's being a total jerk to you on purpose." I was blown away. I wanted to run over and sit next to this boy and tell him that I appreciated his concern for my mental sanity, but I also wanted to assure him that I understand why a young, urban boy would want to be rude to me on purpose. Instead (because I often forget to wait before reacting), I looked at Sassy and said, "If that's true, I'm incredibly flattered. I'm flattered that you think I can handle negative attitudes." I immediately knew that this sounded like a challenge. Without any hesitation, Sassy looked at me and literally hissed, "Get away from me! You don't care about me!" All I could do was smile. I had gotten what I wanted and needed: an admittance of insecurity. Now that it was out in the open, I was free to talk about it. I stood up and allowed myself to speak in my normal volume. "Who are you fooling? I was done working at noon, and I came down here to talk to you. It doesn't bother me if you don't care about me, but I do care about you." Not to make this situation seem more epic than it was (because nothing is eloquent and emotionally beautiful until we've had time to reflect and re-call), I would like to mention that the cafeteria filled with hungry boys did not stop to listen. I didn't leave the school knowing that I had made some terrific impact on Sassy. But, I did leave that cafeteria with the self-assurance that I had not allowed myself to be satisfied with denial. 

And now, as I sit here on my blue chair typing this blog, and casually listening to my fiance play drums, I am able to reflect upon my situation with Sassy even further. I think that, overall, the biggest issues I have (and will) run into as a teacher center on self-concept and confidence. If only I knew how to teach these kids that they are amazing storage devices filled with potential. If only I knew how to help them understand that we all (at one time or another) have done and said things that we are not proud of. If only I knew how to reassure them that they will never be entirely satisfied with themselves, and the sooner they stop trying to perfect their "swagger," the sooner their "swagger" becomes admirable.

My mind feels like the basement of a pack-rat.

READ WITH CAUTION: This entry may contain highly confusing, discombobulated, unorganized, overly analytical, undercooked, and silly thoughts.

So, I'm sitting here on the couch in my apartment shifting between facebook and an article from onmilwaukee.com.  As I continued with this internet "shifting," I couldn't help but think regretfully about this sad excuse for a blog that I have here.  It seems that every time I use the internet to keep myself informed about the world around me, I find myself thinking about how important it is to record my own thoughts.  

The benefits of reflection and journalling are endless.  Not only is this practice incredibly valuable in regard to my profession, but the whole idea of diligently recording my thoughts is one that I value on a personal level as well.  With that being said, I am highly disappointed in the skimpiness of this blog.

As I sat here contemplating the shame that I was feeling, I also found myself wanting to delete a video that I had previously posted on this blog.  My reasons for wanting to delete it are as self-deprecating as my reasons for wanting to blog more: I feel guilty, inadequate, and naive.  Now, I don't want this blog to appear as some sort of warning of a major internal conflict I am experiencing; instead, I want this blog to display a sense of discontentment with myself.  I shall elaborate...

Although I am aware of the fact that these here blogs are dated, I need to re-emphasize the date for my own stylistic purposes: IT IS JULY 8TH, 2009.  Why is this important?  Well, this date is important because it marks a time in my life when I should feel so incredibly accomplished.  I mean, I have graduated from college with a bachelor's degree in English Education, I have completed an entire semester of student teaching in a public high school (this feat alone is one that I will forever take immense pride in), I have secured a full-time teaching job for this fall, I am going to be getting married in a few months, and I was able to (thankfully) find a job for this summer.  Well, now that I have reached the end of that overly complex sentence, I feel the need to remind my reader (myself) of the fact that today should mark a time when I SHOULD feel accomplished.  Well, I don't.  Instead, I feel incredibly overwhelmed, guilty, inadequate, and naive (you know, the same wonderful feelings I expressed in the previous paragraph).

My solutions to this issue are about as simple as my "problem" is.  As an individual who was cultivated in the UWM English Education program (I am now silently praising the gods for Tom Scott and Donna Pasternak), I cannot deny the power of self-reflection.  So, problem solution #1: you're reading it.  In addition to accepting the special place that this reflective practice NEEDS to hold in my life, I am also considering the fact that it is impossible for me to separate my professional life from my personal life.  Therefore, problem solution #2: let's pause for a small "story-time."

Cue story-time:

Okay, so after dissecting my nagging desire to blog, I decided that I really would like to have two blogs.  In one blog I could carefully and eloquently place all of my professional experiences as an educator.  In this blog I would insert profound educational statements about the heart of learning and my passion for the advancement of Milwaukee's youth.  In the other blog I would carelessly and eccentrically toss all of my personal experiences as a wonderfully confused gathering of cells.  The mere idea of these two blogs could function as an ironic demonstration of my own hypocrisy in the Court of Bullshit. 

End of story-time

Cue actual blog entry:

So, going back to problem solution #2, I have decided that this blog (appropriately entitled "Blood, sweat, tears, and learning") is no longer restricted to professional reflection.  Instead, this blog will now serve as an unfiltered bucket into which I will toss the cookies of my head.  Undeniably, these cookies will feature both professional and personal experiences as ingredients.  However, a new (secret) ingredient to these cookies is acceptance.

This new ingredient (bare with me as I try to smoothly transition out of this overly-elaborate metaphor about cookies and back into a more accessible voice) will be a thought I am going to work hard to carry with me every second.  The whole idea of acceptance (acceptance of others, acceptance of the world, acceptance of denial, and acceptance of self) is a beautiful mixture of simplicity and complexity that any self-respecting hypocrite can appreciate.

Long story long, I'm not going to apologize to myself for posting a video that I am not proud of, I'm not going to apologize to myself for not blogging enough, and I'm sure not going to offer self-criticism about my expertise in the art of experiencing life.  As an imperfect perfectionist, I can appreciate the hard-work I put into posting that freakin' video a while back (I would not be exaggerating if I said it took several hours to figure out the video program, record with sound, and figure out how to upload the product), I can appreciate the gaps between my blogs because they only offer true insight to the nature of my mind (spacey at times, followed by moments of pure excellence--insert sarcasm here), and I can sure appreciate the fact that I am proud to be a newbie (I will forever be a life-long learner).

Because I feel unsatisfied by the concluding qualities of that previous paragraph, I am going to re-end this post by stating that I couldn't be more scared or excited about this fall.  I feel the urge to further describe this duality of emotion, but I will resist in the name of mystery and its intricate style.