T.G.I.F.

So, it's the end of the week, and I made it! I would like to say though, that I not only made it, I loved it. I seriously can't believe how wonderful I feel right now. Could it be possible that I taught for four days at a "terrible" school, and didn't write a single kid up (or send any out for that matter)?

Today I had my first experience with my collaborative planning time with the construction academy teachers (the teachers in my CLC), and we did this kumbia activity involving a circle, some beanie babies, and expression of feelings. After I wrote that sentence, I realized that I sounded particularly sarcastic, but I would like to explain that I simply have no other way to describe the activity that we do. And heck, I like a little fun-lovin' hippiness anyway. :) But, in any case, we went around and explained personal values, influential people in our lives, and times when we have felt respected or disrespected. During this activity, I realized that the feelings I am feeling right now are not shared by my colleagues. Most of the teachers in the circle expressed feelings of disrespect in regard to student behavior this week, and a lot of them explained that they felt their students didn't truly understand what a value was, or how to respect themselves. Now, don't get me wrong, I agree that a lot of youngsters today don't have their values set in stone, nor do they need to at the age of 15, but I seriously feel that some of these teachers are creating problems for themselves by assuming that their students don't have values, and that they need to teach values. While I look back at the days I have spent with my students so far, I firmly believe that they all have values, needs, opinions, and the ability to respect others and themselves. These four days, I have seen nothing but normal adolescent behavior accompanied by a refreshing sense of playfulness, awareness, and amazing ability to accept new things (and in particular, a new teacher!). I've heard incredibly offensive language, and I've witnessed (first-hand!) the sight of a truly remorseful and apologetic face when this language is addressed in a reasonable manner. I've seen sneaky attempts to break "bogus" classroom rules, and I've seen adorable scrambles to appear angelic when detection is sensed.

I would like to end this blog with my usual unorganized "list" of random thoughts. (I create these lists because, if I can't create logical paragraphs and format, I feel reassured by the comforting organization of numbered lists...).

1. I don't think I could love my students any more than I do.
2. I really feel like my students care about me, and that is HONESTLY something I didn't feel at Riverside.
3. These four days have been the most fun I have had in all of my life.
4. Not for one second do I think my job is going to be this "easy" all the time.
5. It's pay day!
6. My classroom is bomb-ass looking.
7. My kids like to read! (One of them self-selected the graphic version of Romeo and Juliet, and another picked (and actually read like 6 pages of) Crime and Punishment! (And, he's a 9th grader!!!!!!!!!)
8. I would like to personally thank God for creating the human being who invented Jolly Ranchers. (I have been told, "you are my favorite teacher!" by four different students, and although they claimed it wasn't because of the Jolly Ranchers, I have a small inclining that it is...)
9. I have had the privilege of bartering with students ("okay, you can listen to your mp3 player during independent reading, if you don't ask me for a hall pass any more), and making pinkie swears ("I know you're just 'goofin,' but enough with flashing the gang symbols. Pinkie swear it'll stop?" "Yes, Ms. K."). :)
10. Did I mention I love my job?

Drum-roll..... THE FIRST DAY

Well folks, today was the first day. The first day of school, the first day of my career, and the first day of my life (well, at least the life that I have built for myself!). This sort of day is definitely deserving of some serious reflection. With that in mind, I write this entry with a cautious undertone.

I'm not sure how other schools work on the first day, but at Tech the kids are herded into the commons at 8:35 where they then receive their schedules. After these youngsters get a hold of their color-coded schedules, the returning students are instructed to swiftly get to Block 1. The new students are lead to the first destination of their day-long orientations. As it turns out, my Block 1 class is a ninth grade class. So, logically, I had a nearly empty classroom for this block. I had one student in my ninth grade class (he failed his second semester of English 9 last year; thus, he is a returning student), so we played Scrabble. To my surprise, this young man was energetic, hopeful, and excited that he has me for two blocks in one day (that means he is with me for three hours of the day!). This one-on-one time was incredibly helpful to me. It really eased my nerves about the entire day. I don't know if he knows that he had that kind of impact on my mental well-being, but I was truly grateful for his individual company. My tenth grade classes (blocks 2 and 3) were also lacking in the attendance area (Tech doesn't take attendance on the first day because of the new student orientation, so word gets out), and all of the students who I met today were pleasant. I even had a few girls write comments for the comment box that stated, "you are going to be my favorite teacher!" Awww, isn't that sweet--don't worry, I know they are playing the game. :)

Looking back at the day, I have NOTHING to complain about. There wasn't a single moment in the day when I felt overwhelmed or out of control. I felt AMAZING. I felt so good about the day, that I am almost more nervous about tomorrow than I was about today. Being a lightly seasoned teacher, I have had the opportunity to learn a few things about teaching, and one of the first things I learned is that you should never get overly excited (or disappointed) about a day at school--things can (and probably will) be COMPLETELY different the next day. So, with that thought in mind, I am going to approach tomorrow with the same "green" attitude that I had today. I'm sure tomorrow will bring its own set of interesting circumstances.

Some random thoughts from today that I want to remember:

1. We only had two suspensions today (an altercation between two young men in the morning). I am pretty proud of the kids for this considering how chaotic the scheduling process was. We had about 1200 kids in the commons area getting papers thrown at them, and also having their bags searched.

2. A certain student that I had at Riverside (who also happens to be "that kid" that I will NEVER forget from my student teaching) now goes to Tech, and I saw him in the hallway. I'm sure I've spoken about this student in every blog I wrote while at Riverside, and I'm sure I made a "code" name for him, but the name has slipped me. Just trust me when I say that his presence at Tech feels like a guardian angel. He is definitely a substantial young man, and he was one of the biggest pains in my butt at Riverside, but I can't even describe to you how good it felt to see him today. :)

3. A young lady in my block 2 class introduced herself and by stating that her interesting fact about her is that she has anger problems. The class (as well as I) was caught off guard by this uninvited honesty, but I thanked her for her forwardness. She is going to be a tough cookie, and I am going to need to pay special attention to her. Unfortunately, I can tell by her demeanor that she is carrying a heavy load around with her. She seems to have a permanent gray cloud over her head, and a facial expression that reads, "Don't ask, just trust me; I have a reason to hate the world." In addition to her up-front confession about anger, this young lady informed me (via her comment card) that she DESPISES group-work. I have to make some sort of accommodation for this issue because she was willing to communicate this with me. I'm thinking that I will ask to speak with her individually, and ask for her compliance with a valiant attempt to participate in group work. I will try to work out some sort of discreet signal that she can flash at me if she is about to lash out at one of her group members, and then I can give her work to complete individually (but I would like her to stay in the group proximity). Hopefully this will help her feel more comfortable with my sensitivity to her needs, and my ultimate hope is that she will gradually begin to feel confident about being in a group setting.

4. I got an IEP in my mailbox today. Seems like I'm going to have an interesting situation in my ninth grade class... Don't worry, I was given crisis process for when this student engages in violent and defiant behaviors. Ugh. I am doing my best to keep an open mind about this young man's situation, but I already know that I have a HUGE weakness with Sp.Ed. kids who have behavior issues. Maybe this is fate's way of forcing me to confront this issue and take the steps necessary to address this personal deficit...

For now, I'm going to keep on keeping on. :)

Before you watch this, I want to clarify that I did TEACH while I was doing my middle school field work, but I was referring to the fact that I didn't teach on the first day (or the first couple weeks for that matter). :)

Excitement and nervousness start to feel the same...

So, there's a lot going on in my life right now. Just like I always do when I'm flustered, I make mental promises to myself that things will settle down in the near future. I allow myself to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Well, at this point in my life, I have come to the realization that it just isn't realistic for me to make promises to myself like that. My personality and dreams really don't allow me to settle down and "chill." I guess I'll just keep looking forward to retirement. :) Anyway, I am currently up to my chin in wedding planning, and I'm freaking out a little bit about starting my first year as a teacher in about a month. 

So, in the midst of cake tasting, shoe-shopping, jewelry making, invite addressing, registering, and dress drama, I find myself worrying about the technicalities of what I am about to start at the end of August: TEACHING. Oh, I think it's important for me to also mention that I am working at a CLC for two hours every morning with a bunch of young, hyper boys. Why is it important for me to mention this? Well, because these boys are my constant reminder of the fact that I NEED to find space in my brain to devote thought and reflection to my teaching philosophies. I think I just need to break down and allow myself to create hypothetical situations in my mind, and then ponder the responses I would have to those "issues." 

In the CLC today, I had to break up two fights (both between brothers who can't figure out that sitting right next to each other and ribbing each other is an ineffective way to demonstrate mature behavior), and I had to get out my "mean" face to make any sort of progress. Now, I'm not saying these incidents caused me tremendous anxiety, but it did cause me to take a mental step back. I had to hang around the classroom for a few minutes after my shift was over, because I just needed to think for a little bit. After just soaking in the silence (it felt sooo good after spending two long hours in craziness), I decided to go downstairs to sit with the boys at lunch. As soon as I walked down the stairs, I was greeted with plenty of smiles and waves, but the one face I really needed a smile from was intentionally (and purposefully) blank. I waved back to the smiling boys, and proceeded to perch myself on a radiator about eight feet away from my sassy friend. I sat there for a few minutes (I'll be honest, I was hoping he would acknowledge me, but I wasn't expecting him to) before I said anything. As I sat there, I felt myself feeling awkward. I felt slightly uncomfortable. I didn't know exactly what to say, and I didn't even try to predict what he would say back. So, I simply said, "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that when we were in the classroom and you were ignoring me and throwing your papers on the floor, I felt kind of sad. I hope I didn't say or do anything to hurt your feelings, so if I did, I would really like you to let me know so that I don't do it again." He didn't look at me at all, and I felt sort of angry. I just wanted to grab his shoulders and force him to look at me. I wanted him to explain to me why he was/is so angry (and he's angry A LOT). Before I could let myself get any more upset, an older boy who was sitting within earshot, but who must have been straining his ears to hear my words, said, "Don't waste your time talking to him like that. He's disrespectful and he's being a total jerk to you on purpose." I was blown away. I wanted to run over and sit next to this boy and tell him that I appreciated his concern for my mental sanity, but I also wanted to assure him that I understand why a young, urban boy would want to be rude to me on purpose. Instead (because I often forget to wait before reacting), I looked at Sassy and said, "If that's true, I'm incredibly flattered. I'm flattered that you think I can handle negative attitudes." I immediately knew that this sounded like a challenge. Without any hesitation, Sassy looked at me and literally hissed, "Get away from me! You don't care about me!" All I could do was smile. I had gotten what I wanted and needed: an admittance of insecurity. Now that it was out in the open, I was free to talk about it. I stood up and allowed myself to speak in my normal volume. "Who are you fooling? I was done working at noon, and I came down here to talk to you. It doesn't bother me if you don't care about me, but I do care about you." Not to make this situation seem more epic than it was (because nothing is eloquent and emotionally beautiful until we've had time to reflect and re-call), I would like to mention that the cafeteria filled with hungry boys did not stop to listen. I didn't leave the school knowing that I had made some terrific impact on Sassy. But, I did leave that cafeteria with the self-assurance that I had not allowed myself to be satisfied with denial. 

And now, as I sit here on my blue chair typing this blog, and casually listening to my fiance play drums, I am able to reflect upon my situation with Sassy even further. I think that, overall, the biggest issues I have (and will) run into as a teacher center on self-concept and confidence. If only I knew how to teach these kids that they are amazing storage devices filled with potential. If only I knew how to help them understand that we all (at one time or another) have done and said things that we are not proud of. If only I knew how to reassure them that they will never be entirely satisfied with themselves, and the sooner they stop trying to perfect their "swagger," the sooner their "swagger" becomes admirable.

My mind feels like the basement of a pack-rat.

READ WITH CAUTION: This entry may contain highly confusing, discombobulated, unorganized, overly analytical, undercooked, and silly thoughts.

So, I'm sitting here on the couch in my apartment shifting between facebook and an article from onmilwaukee.com.  As I continued with this internet "shifting," I couldn't help but think regretfully about this sad excuse for a blog that I have here.  It seems that every time I use the internet to keep myself informed about the world around me, I find myself thinking about how important it is to record my own thoughts.  

The benefits of reflection and journalling are endless.  Not only is this practice incredibly valuable in regard to my profession, but the whole idea of diligently recording my thoughts is one that I value on a personal level as well.  With that being said, I am highly disappointed in the skimpiness of this blog.

As I sat here contemplating the shame that I was feeling, I also found myself wanting to delete a video that I had previously posted on this blog.  My reasons for wanting to delete it are as self-deprecating as my reasons for wanting to blog more: I feel guilty, inadequate, and naive.  Now, I don't want this blog to appear as some sort of warning of a major internal conflict I am experiencing; instead, I want this blog to display a sense of discontentment with myself.  I shall elaborate...

Although I am aware of the fact that these here blogs are dated, I need to re-emphasize the date for my own stylistic purposes: IT IS JULY 8TH, 2009.  Why is this important?  Well, this date is important because it marks a time in my life when I should feel so incredibly accomplished.  I mean, I have graduated from college with a bachelor's degree in English Education, I have completed an entire semester of student teaching in a public high school (this feat alone is one that I will forever take immense pride in), I have secured a full-time teaching job for this fall, I am going to be getting married in a few months, and I was able to (thankfully) find a job for this summer.  Well, now that I have reached the end of that overly complex sentence, I feel the need to remind my reader (myself) of the fact that today should mark a time when I SHOULD feel accomplished.  Well, I don't.  Instead, I feel incredibly overwhelmed, guilty, inadequate, and naive (you know, the same wonderful feelings I expressed in the previous paragraph).

My solutions to this issue are about as simple as my "problem" is.  As an individual who was cultivated in the UWM English Education program (I am now silently praising the gods for Tom Scott and Donna Pasternak), I cannot deny the power of self-reflection.  So, problem solution #1: you're reading it.  In addition to accepting the special place that this reflective practice NEEDS to hold in my life, I am also considering the fact that it is impossible for me to separate my professional life from my personal life.  Therefore, problem solution #2: let's pause for a small "story-time."

Cue story-time:

Okay, so after dissecting my nagging desire to blog, I decided that I really would like to have two blogs.  In one blog I could carefully and eloquently place all of my professional experiences as an educator.  In this blog I would insert profound educational statements about the heart of learning and my passion for the advancement of Milwaukee's youth.  In the other blog I would carelessly and eccentrically toss all of my personal experiences as a wonderfully confused gathering of cells.  The mere idea of these two blogs could function as an ironic demonstration of my own hypocrisy in the Court of Bullshit. 

End of story-time

Cue actual blog entry:

So, going back to problem solution #2, I have decided that this blog (appropriately entitled "Blood, sweat, tears, and learning") is no longer restricted to professional reflection.  Instead, this blog will now serve as an unfiltered bucket into which I will toss the cookies of my head.  Undeniably, these cookies will feature both professional and personal experiences as ingredients.  However, a new (secret) ingredient to these cookies is acceptance.

This new ingredient (bare with me as I try to smoothly transition out of this overly-elaborate metaphor about cookies and back into a more accessible voice) will be a thought I am going to work hard to carry with me every second.  The whole idea of acceptance (acceptance of others, acceptance of the world, acceptance of denial, and acceptance of self) is a beautiful mixture of simplicity and complexity that any self-respecting hypocrite can appreciate.

Long story long, I'm not going to apologize to myself for posting a video that I am not proud of, I'm not going to apologize to myself for not blogging enough, and I'm sure not going to offer self-criticism about my expertise in the art of experiencing life.  As an imperfect perfectionist, I can appreciate the hard-work I put into posting that freakin' video a while back (I would not be exaggerating if I said it took several hours to figure out the video program, record with sound, and figure out how to upload the product), I can appreciate the gaps between my blogs because they only offer true insight to the nature of my mind (spacey at times, followed by moments of pure excellence--insert sarcasm here), and I can sure appreciate the fact that I am proud to be a newbie (I will forever be a life-long learner).

Because I feel unsatisfied by the concluding qualities of that previous paragraph, I am going to re-end this post by stating that I couldn't be more scared or excited about this fall.  I feel the urge to further describe this duality of emotion, but I will resist in the name of mystery and its intricate style.

Torn

So, as I am trying to get two videos uploaded on here (I used iMovie for the first time, and I'm not entirely comfortable with it..), I would like to discuss a few things.  

I was offered a job at Bradley Tech here in Milwaukee.  When I was offered the job, I was super excited because I really got a good vibe from the principal, the head of the English Dept, the Special Ed Dept Chair, the parent who was there, and the other few people who I have unfortunately forgotten.  :(  I went to the interview dreading the whole thing.  I wasn't sure I wanted to even work at Bradley Tech (I had heard so many negative things about it), but I forced myself to go by telling myself that it would be a "good experience" to have the interview.  Well, I did really well!  (I've since had two other interviews that I also did well at, so I am feeling very confident in my eloquence when it comes to interview question-answering)  But anyway, I left the interview feeling surprised at how much I liked everything about the interview.  Then, on my way home from the school, I received a voice-mail (I have a strict no-answering-the-cell-phone-while-driving-manual rule) from the principal letting me know that he had gone ahead and forwarded a request to hire me through central office.  I was giddy with the excitement of even being offered a job.  Well, as time went on, I allowed myself to stir in the big decision I had to make: do I take the first job offer I receive, or should I wait it out to see if there is something that is more appealing?  Hahahahaha, that was a joke!  Silly me!  MPS doesn't have the time (or communication) to wait until I make a decision.  As I was allowing myself to grapple with this choice, I involuntarily accepted the job.  Yup, that's correct, I took the job at Bradley Tech without knowing it.  How did this happen, you ask?  Well, it happened because I overlooked the fact that you only have 24 hours after a job offer to reject that offer, otherwise central office considers you hired.  The end result: I have a job in MPS that I am not really sure is the right place for me, but I don't even have a choice, because unfortunately, if I reject the job now (after I've already accepted it), I can't work in MPS AT ALL.  Agh, I just don't even know what to think.  In one sense I'm really relieved and excited to have a job at all, in another sense I feel like the personal selection aspect of finding a job was kind of pulled from underneath me.

Speaking of jobs... I had an interview at Maryland Ave Montessori school on Monday (which I totally rocked.. haha), and I fell in love with the whole philosophy of Montessori education.  I think I may go back to get certified to teach grades 1-6 (so then I could teach grades 1-12).  In addition, I am also making the mental plans to go back to school in 2010 to get my reading specialist certification, and then eventually get my masters to become a literacy coach.  :)

One more issue before I go and attempt to upload those videos again: I had a better day today.  I decided that, as a teacher who loves organization and staying on top of grading, "buffer" days rock.  What's a buffer day?  Well, it's a day when you collect writing, projects, and vocabulary activities and allow students to "catch up" any missing work they have for a unit.  :)  It's also an excellent opportunity to work one-on-one with some students who really need the extra help.  Oh!  One more thing: I totally discovered the wonderful power of making "pretend" phone calls during class.  Haha.  I had some sassy ones today, and all I had to do was walk over to the phone and look over at those students, and they started to murmur about the fact that "Ms. K is on the phone."  A little cruel?  Eh, maybe.  I'm only human..